Father Issues!

I thought of titling it as Daddy Issues… but it sounded too cheesy n durtyyy, which this post is definitely not going to be!!! As Barney Stinson quotes… “There’s nothing hotter than a Girl with Daddy Issues!”… But I somehow feel that it’s largely a myth or a general misconception that only girls have father issues… I think guys have more father issues than girls… In fact I had a friend in junior college who had a bitter relationship with his Dad, also an ex colleague and a mutual friend!!! All Guys!!! And the icing on the cake… wait for it… Me, Myself and I!!!

Yep! I’ve severe Father Issues! I, for absolutely lack of a better word, “HATE” my father! Dislike, would be too much of an understatement!!! Why… you ask?!?! Well, the answer can be either a very long one or extremely short… The short version : because he’s a Colossal Douchebag!!! Okay before jumping into conclusions or being judgemental… hear me out… then you can probably decide whether I am right or wrong!!!!

For starters, you should see my parents… Its like a beauty and the beast scene going on… only the worst part there’s no happy ending… here the beast continues to be a beast… I’ll never understand why she married a person like that… because it wasn’t even like a proper arranged marriage… or worse why she stayed in this crappy marriage…!!!! Well… let’s talk about her sometime later… for now It’s all about the manhole!!! My Father!!! Eww sounds a lot creepy…!!! For one simple reason… For me he’s a non-existent figure!!! Again the readers might think why sooo much hatred… well, for me even that so much is so little… I can not! have enough hatred for that person!

Ever since I can remember… even as a kid who hasn’t even started with his kindergarten … I never really liked him… There’s this aura about him which is so disgusting… intimidating… dominating… black… and Ugly!!! You can feel that when he’s around you… I’ve never come across a person who’s so unwelcoming and cold…!!! Just for the records I blame my ugliness on him!!! Damn!!! All my friends who’ve been to my home… all my mom’s friends… or even my brother’s for that matter have been scared of him… because when he meets a new person he wouldn’t even spare so much as a weak smile to greet that person or even if he does… its so eerie that the opposite person will be spooked out!!! Hell, even his own parents are scared of him!!! So I used to dread the moment of him returning from office… I always used to wish he never returned… so you can pretty much imagine how shit scared I was of this Monster!!! All his ways of getting things done were either violent or disrespectful!!! The slightest of the slight indiscipline and he’d beat the crap out of me!!! He used to keep this long and thin cane… and mahn you should’ve seen the post bashing scars on my hands and legs… they wouldn’t heal for days and looked like the ones that prisoners have!!! I swear I am not exaggerating!!! And many a times it would be for the silliest reasons… felt like he just enjoyed beating me up!!! WTF!!! Here’s one such incident… It was the time when my brother was a baby… It was a sunday and we were all watching TV and my brother was sound asleep… And I was talking to my mom, I was quite loud I agree… my default sound settings…! Now My father shouted at me saying cut it out… so I was quiet for some time and then started talking again… and then Baam!!! There comes a nice hard beating!!! Even as I am writing this i can feel the pain… not the physical pain but the emotional one… C’mon dude… how can you expect a fucking four year old to understand that he’s supposed to talk softly otherwise the baby will wake up!!! Could’t you see I was also but much a Baby!!! Another such scenario… happened when I returned home after a life changing accident which I survived… I had gone to kerala with my family for summer vacation, I was 7 years old then and had met with an accident… I was bedridden for six months, missed an entire semester of third standard and started school again after the Diwali vacation… and not far down the road was the second unit test and the results came… and I scored a B grade instead of an A!!! That night I swear to god is the highlight of my life!!! My father saw the report card… got the cane asked me to move my both hands in front and just started whacking me one hand at a time… now my mom was unwell that time and she was under her blanket… but I’am sure each time the cane touched my palm.. she flinched… this might have continued for a good five to ten mins… next day even the neighbors where shocked when the heard the reason for the whacking… they obviously heard the blows!!! I could never comprehend his reasons for beating me up… like why!!! Big deal!!! I got a  B grade instead of an A!!! Its just 3rd grade… who cares!!! And did you just forget that I had no contacts with any sorta study for a good six months!!! There are kids who got C and D grades too…. their fathers are not setting them on fire for that!!! Every time I was bashed up as a kid or even as a teenager… the physical wound would heal… but a scar would be left behind… a memory which is soooo distasteful, humiliating and fearful! Above all just Sad!!! And the weirdest thing… I never used to cry when he did that… never… More than pain… there was hatred… a burning sensation of hatred… why!!! Why is this person doing this to me!!! And what hurt more was the fact that… my bother has not even been bashed 1/10th of what I’ve suffered… don’t get me wrong… I am happy that he didn’t have to go through what I had to… But if you look at it.. I always had better scores than him.. I always conducted myself in a good boy manner… whereas he’s more like a road romeo types… He broke more rules than I’ve ever did… but somehow I was always at the receiving end of my father’s wrath and my bother at the receiving end of his love!!! It kept happening… kept happening and kept happening…

Now Physical Abuse was just not it…!!! Every time there would be some discussion and If i suggest something… there would be one standard response… “No one ask for your suggestion… We will consider yours when you start earning!!!”… can you fall any lower than that, Can anyone fall any lower than that?!?! Also I never really saw any point in any of his discussions because at the end of the day he would go ahead and do whatever he likes… talk about being a selfish bitch!!! Inspite of me being 23 now and earning more than him… yep more than you Father!!! how does it feel… LOSER!!!! Still I’ve no say in home decisions… argh!!! Even with all this I would’ve given him a chance… but what hurts me the most is when he’s being disrespectful to my mom… the sweetest thing on planet earth… as a kid I used to feel so helpless… I hated myself for not being able to do anything… All my relatives and family friends say that their marriage is standing only because of my mom otherwise it would’ve fallen apart long back… I barely think its a marriage… It’s more like a one sided compromise from my mom’s end!!! I hate her for not standing up for herself… and not letting me or my brother do that for her!!! He doesn’t value what gem of a wife he has got…!!! And that would be the biggest regret of my life… something that will haunt me forever…!!!

I completely stopped talking to the Monster after my 10th grade… after one such hitting incident… Its been almost 8 years now… But there are still wordplays that happen once in a while… if you know what I mean…!!! It’s loud… trashy… and I leave no swear words in the English dictionary unused… Every time he tries to act Cocky… I am there saying take a chill pill man… your days are over… no one’s scared of you… and honestly no one even needs you… trust me even my brother is done with him… It’s just a matter of time that even he’ll dump him!!! I strongly feel it!!!

Family is a privilege… It has to be earned and not taken granted for…!!! And he has done the latter… for every fucking day of his existence… I’m tired… yes believe me I’m tired being with him in the same house… he’s incapable of change… My mom keeps telling me that he’s changing…. but i don’t see it…! Even if he does… It’s way too late now… He has been dead to me since the past 8 years and will continue to be so… There’s absolutely nothing that he can do now to set things straight.. there’s no place for Apathy… There was no love to begin with… just fear… and now all that has been replaced with blind hatred…!!! He’s the sole reason for me to be the biggest non-believer of Marriage/Family… I  had read a book recently named “Three Sisters” by Susan Mallery… in which one of the lead character says It’s very difficult to break the chain of violence… if you’ve been abused as a kid… the probability of you being violent to your kids is very high!!! It’s so true… you always turn out to be like one of your parents…!!!

The reason why I’ve written all this down is for my mom to read… I’ve been in an emotional hell since a long time… I get constant bad dreams of me and my father being in fights and me trying to kill him… and I don’t know how to explain it to her!!! Probably this would be of some help!!! She’s the only saving grace in my life… otherwise I would’ve snapped long back!!! The only reason I come back home everyday is because of her… so many times I’ve urged myself to just pack my bags and leave… but I can’t bring myself to do that because I don’t know what will happen to her without me!!! I’m leaving no stones unturned here by admitting that the only way I’ll be at peace is when he’ll be gone forever… either from my life or the planet earth… I’ll do shed a tear… but a tear of joy… the feeling of It’s all over!!! You know what i feel when I see some guy who has an excellent relationship with his father… Not Jealousy… Not Envy… but Sad…!!! Not sad for me!!! Just sad!!!

For all the fathers out there or parents in general… a short note… Don’t treat your kids like a punching bag…!!! They are not here for you to remove your office frustrations on them… It’s not their fault if you haven’t achieved what you intended to in your life and its definitely not their responsibility to do that for you… Kids are very impressionable and an act of violence can destroy their inner confidence and they’ll forever be victims of low self esteem… and you’ll have no one else to blame but yourself!!! We always hear news of kids abandoning their parents in old age and not taking care of them… c’mon get real… no one would if you’ve been anything like my father… and you don’t deserve it either!!! Once the boy can fit into your shoes… You’re no more his Father but a Friend…!!! Dial down your Ego!!! Or you’ll be left with only that in the End!!!

If anyone would happen to read all this, I can understand it would still be little difficult for you to perceive how a Child can have so much hatred and bitterness for his father… live my life for another 23 years then probably you’d get the gist!!! I haven’t written all this for sympathy… I need none of it… I am doing quite well for a Guy of 23!!! It’s just this one part of my life which is like a dead tooth!!!

Can’t really say that “Hope you enjoyed the Post!” lol 😛 But many Thanks for reading… And now on a lighter note here’s a list of Guys who has Daddy Issues : http://www.imdb.com/list/mKGMiHYBOjo/ Peace out!!!

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